I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?