dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
