I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
