I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
