I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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