Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
