you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
