have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
