I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
