Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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