woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
