I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
