I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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