I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
whose ass print is on the piano?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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