My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
