I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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