dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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