I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
