Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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