My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
