i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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