smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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