If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
