the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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