there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
