Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
that may or may not have been my penis.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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