so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
