He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
