I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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