i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
