Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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