I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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