Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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