I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
