Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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