the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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