Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
