you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
