What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
