It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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