Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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