it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
