I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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