My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
