smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
