he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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