i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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