Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
