Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
