it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
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That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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