wrigley field is MILF paradise
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
