There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
