My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My ass is underappreciated
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
