I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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