so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
