dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
