You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Two words: blizzard sex
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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