Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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