can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
