i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
